Back to work......................

For me.

Today I started back to work, although it is only mornings for 2 1/2 weeks, it is still something in the mean time.  I leave the house at 7:45, so that is not to bad and I am home by 1:00 unless I stop to pick up groceries.  I was nervous about starting, and didn't sleep very well last night, so I will get the kids lunches ready before bed and head up early with my book and hopefully get a good nights sleep tonight.  I was hoping that John would have found some sort of work by now, but  he shows no signs of looking or caring about even having a job.  I get that he is taking some time off, but would it kill him to make a few calls, and if not to at least help around the house.  Maybe pick up, or throw a load of laundry in or for goodness sake at the very least TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE when I ask.  I have only been back 1 day, and I am getting frustrated already, this venting on my blog helps, and some people actually read it and totally understand what I mean.  He keeps talking about starting up his own shop again, and I say again, because this happens about every 3 - 5 years, and I am getting sick just thinking about it.  The last time was after his major depression in 2001 and ended with us being forced to file bankruptcy (not a pleasant thing either I might add).  This is something I am scared to death to do again, and it is very difficult to get that information through to him.  It is also a VERY VERY bad time for woodworking shops in general, and a couple of people have told him this but he refuses to listen rationally.  I give him an A for effort, but I don't really want to be taken along for the ride this time around, nor do I want to put my kids through that again.  Colin wasn't even born when the last shop closed, and the girls were 6 years younger, so they don't really know the whole story, but now the girls are older and still don't really understand, which is stressful to them because they will draw their own conclusions, and can't always verbalize what they are feeling, or even realize themselves what they are feeling.  I try to keep an open dialogue with them, but sometimes it is difficult.  Will forge ahead with my chin up  :)

Well got to go dinner is almost ready Teryaki Chicken Stir Fry (yummy).

Thanks for listening to me rant!!!!!

Shelley

A lot has happened.................

WARNING:  This is not a happy post, so I will not be offended if you click the back button now!!!!


It has been a while since I posted, haven't felt much like posting, don't even really feel like posting now, but I think putting things down on paper so to speak, may help to relieve some of the stress.

Well, John lost his job.  He has been unhappy there for a while, but I didn't think he would just up and do it.  It was sort of a two sided thing, a lot of men's ego's involved, and no one willing to be sensible and think before doing or saying.  I won't get into the details, I am not even clear on the details, I am only getting tidbits of info, and it doesn't matter now anyway.
I am pretty stressed about it lost about 5 pounds since it happened, and I am trying not to let the anxiety take over, but that is what is happening, and I can't eat, so this is the reason for the weight loss.  I am worried about the girls, they are old enough to know what is going on, and feel the tension around here.  The person I am really worried about is John, about 8 years ago, he had a really bad bought of depression, we almost lost him, it took about 6  weeks to pull him part way out of it, and 3 weeks of that was him staying at Homewood in Guelph.  He suffers everyday, and he says "he thinks constantly about how it would be better for us if he were not here".
Yesterday I got an e-mail from the place John was working at saying that they would not be forwarding his last pay due to some items that he owes them for.  Some were legitimate, but the one we dispute is the damage to a company van.  John backed into a parking post when on a job site with the company van and they argue that he is responsible for paying it.  Isn't that why you have insurance; especially when so many different people are driving the same vehicle.  Then when he called them about it his old boss, went into how they have been trying to get rid of him for 3 months (which is a lie, because why would you have someone work as many hours as John, to get the job done, and let him drive your vehicles, and have a key to the shop etc., if you wanted to get rid of him?), and how difficult a person he is to deal with, having lived with him for 23 years, I tend to believe this one, and told him that after he quit; I also told him among other things that he can't get along with anyone "that doesn't play by his rules" and only thinks about himself.  I spoke my mind, and I don't tend to do that, I usually just let it eat away at me.

Anyway, now I am rambling, although it is making me feel better, I need to pull this together, because now John is slipping into a really bad place (I didn't help things by saying the above things to him), and he is a very difficult person to try to pull out, very stubborn, negative (really, really bad energy), and I can't be attracting it right now.  I have made my Resume and sent it off to a few places to see if I can get some money flowing here, because I really don't know how long this will last with John, and quite frankly I am getting to the point of frustration with him and his illness (as informed as I am about depression, I am having less & less compassion as it continues to happen, I still don't see why he can't just see what he is doing to everyone, and snap out of it).  Me finding work also troubles him, makes him fell less  of a man.  It worries the kids big time, they have always had me at home for them.  But most of all it makes me sad, that I have to take on so much responsibility, by making sure that we eat, and have a roof over our heads, and that the kids are getting up and ready for school, that their lunches are made, their needs are being met, and they still get to do their after school activities as well as taking care of John when he is slipping into "his funk" (yes it happens so often that I have nick named it);  all this while trying to make everything seem normal and not freaking out myself, because if that happens then what..................?